momydu
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� 12-22-2005 Merry Christmas We leave for my Moms today. I am excited, but also dreading it a bit as well like I always do. You know, you really want to see some people, and others you see out of obligation. I am really excited to see my Grandma, and when I called to wish her happy birthday yesterday she told me she just can't wait to see me, which made me smile. I am looking forward to her overly hot house, too dark because she uses like a 10 watt light bulb : ), and all of the familiar smells of Christmas. Mostly though, I want her hug. Even though she isn't as strong as she once was, her hug has a way of making me feel so safe. When I was a kid sometimes I thought I might stop breathing, she just would squeeze so tight, now it will be the hardest thing to let go of when she passes. The chemo is shrinking the cancer, however, we are now dealing with an absolute "No one knows how long she has." This to me is the hardest part, because just not knowing if it is years, or months, is agony. I am going to take lots of pictures of her this year, whether she likes it or not, and even though she is having to wear a wig now due to all of her hair loss from the chemo, I know she will still be beautiful. Who I am not looking forward to see is something I can't write about. Because you never know who might read your diary. Let me just say that I will be as nice as I can be. By the way, my Mom is making homemade hamburger pizza, which was my favortie thing she made when I was little. She is making that tomorrow, and I can't wait. Christmas Eve we will be at Grandmas, and have turkey and ham and stuffing, potatoes and corn, rolls, jello salad, and an unrecognizable salad we fondly call "green slime", olives, carrot sticks, and I will have iced coffee. I know this by heart, because it has been the same since I can remember. Ok, time to get packing. Happy holidays to you all! Have a wonderful time with your family.
I love you forever - 2007-10-04
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