momydu
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� 2001-05-04 My Dad There is someone in my life who has been a constant source of emotional pain for most of my life, it is my dad. I decided to distance myself from him late last year after he had a visit here, and it finally clicked in my brain that the rest of his life he was going to be this same man. A man who was never affectionate with me as a child. Never played a game with me, helped with my homework, took me on a walk, or supported and encouraged me. What I remember most of my childhood is the fear. I was afraid every day that I was going to get in trouble. I was afraid every day that he would come home in a bad mood and take it out on me, and mostly I tried every day to do anything that might get his attention. My dad is a good person to many people, he is funny and charming to strangers, and most of all he is a very smart man. So why is he an awful father? Some might say it was his childhood that did it to him, but I see that as an excuse. Mostly now, I am sad. I am sad that although I left him the option of writing me through postal mail to try to build and repair some sort of relationship, he has made no effort. And I am mad at myself for being angry at him for not trying. Now today I found out he is getting ready to marry a fourth wife. I was in shock at first, I think I said a few bad words, and now I am very emotional. Part of me wants to protect these children of the woman he is going to marry, and part of me wants to ignore it and just go on, but there is this other part of me that has had tears streaming down her face for an hour or so, and can't make them stop. If you ever doubt the fact that parenting is a life long commitment I hope you read this to yourself again because the pain a parent can cause a child can last forever. I know I have learned that lesson well, well enough to stop it with me, and not pass it along to my babies.
I love you forever - 2007-10-04
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